The difference a year makes...

Whoosh! 3 lbs down- and that makes 60!

So I didn't get to weigh in Friday or Saturday because I was working a horse show. Sunday afternoon when I got home I stepped on the scale to see what kind of damage I did (I didn't eat poorly at the show, but working in the stall office I just didn't get to move around much.) I was shocked to see that I weighed 193.4- that's a full 3 pounds lighter than my lowest weigh in! It also put me at 60 pounds lost since January. I'm way behind my initial goal of 10 pounds a month, but I've averaged a little over 6.5 pounds a month for 9 months and that's pretty good! It's a healthy, sustainable loss. I won't hit 100 pounds in a year, but I've done 60 already with 3 months to go. I also loss an inch off of my thigh and my upper arm this month.

I do feel better.

I'm at a size 12/14... ok, a 14, but I have a few 12s that fit. lol

I'm facing some harsh realities, and slowly accepting that losing all that weight was never going to "fix" everything else. I still struggle with self image. I still feel fat. I still am fat. I am making progress though... and I'm proud of progress.

A friend has been giving me a dozen eggs every week or two from her chickens lately, and today I'll be enjoying this salad (packed last night). Mixed greens, a packet of cranraisens and nuts, two hard boiled eggs, and some of the Newman's Light Sesame Ginger dressing if I need it. Protein, healthy fats, and lots of veggies for the win!

The packet of cranraisens and nuts I picked up at the store a while back, it was a box of them, and they are the greatest salad topping packet of all time. (It's a decent trail mix too, which is what I bought it as, but I prefer it as a salad topper.)

A Week Goes By With Little Change

I weighed in at 196.8 this morning. I hit 196 for the first time this past Saturday, and have weighed in at 197 most days in between. that puts me at 57 pounds down.

The Lose It! app gives me lots of statistics to look at, though I rarely do. Today I decided to dig through some numbers. I've eaten high in my calories the last few months which would obviously explain a lot of the slow down in loss. on the flip side of that I'm averaging right at, or just below 1400 calories. It's not like I'm eating an absurd amount. My daily calorie "goal" right now is 1248... that's borderline bottomed out. If I go over by 50-100 calories I don't get worked up, but its reaching a point of not being able to drop lower. I've been aware of hunger lately. I get really irrational when I get hungry. I don't make good choices. All the readings say that I'll need to up my exercise in order to create a calorie deficit without dropping below 1200 calories. Exercise is still my biggest struggle. I've felt tired a lot lately. Just dragging. I don't have the energy I had a month or two ago. Am I depressed? Lazy? Not eating enough? Vitamin deficient? I have no clue... I'm strongly considering going to the doctor to ask for help. But then again exercise is supposed to give you energy and help create a calorie deficit. Maybe a need to focus on exercise.

I've also slipped on my sugar and sweets. I don't crave much, but I was regularly allowing myself chocolate indulgences. (About an ounce of dark chocolate a day.) Not a huge calorie eater, but I can eat more nutritious food, and avoid the sugar/fat if I start curbing that a little.

Overall, I'm still losing. Even on my "bad" days/weeks I'm maintaining. I feel comfortable that I'm living a sustainable diet. I'm not sure I'm living a sustainable lifestyle though. I'm always busy, rushed, and obligated. I feel like the last year I've been spread much too thin. I need to cut back. I need to focus. I need to do fewer things and do them better. I've never successfully balanced work/life. Perhaps I should start trying harder. I'm not sure what that looks like though...

Size 12?!?

I haven't had that much change in my weight. As a matter of fact I'm still at the 197-199 range. Last month I ended up not really taking measurements until the end of the month instead of my usual weekly. I had some pretty significant changes. An inch off of my waist and hips, and half an inch off my bust and chest. My lower arm also saw a drop of about a half to a quarter of an inch. I thought this was surprising since my number weight only dropped a few pounds last month. Looking back over my numbers, btw, since I started recording my measurements in March I've lost 7 inches off my waist, 1 inch off my upper arm, 1 inch off my lower arm, and inch off my thigh, an inch and a half off my calf, 4 inches off my chest, 4 inches off my hips, and an inch off my neck... 19.5 inches in 6 months of recording measurements. (I didn't start with LoseIt until March.)

Things I've done differently: Still eating 1300 calories a day or so. I don't have a "cheat day" but I also don't mind if I have a day that I'm not watching that closely. I still record everything, I just don't get super protective of my numbers if I go over one day. I've also allowed a little chocolate (dark ghirardelli square) and the occasional bread that I was avoiding. I've been more conscious of how much I'm moving. I've been adding a body weight workout a couple of times a week, and still trying to make the yoga classes my gym offers. So the thing is, I'm not doing that much different except maybe moving a little more, but nothing systematic.

The result: Weeks ago, like way long time ago, while at Goodwill I found a pair of Lucky brand size 12 jeans. I couldn't fit in them, and I knew it, but I wanted them around for "when I could get in them". Now, the size 14 Luckys that I have were my smallest pair of 14s that I bought. The Charlotte Rouse, Banana Republic, and Old Navy 14s I have are all pretty loose these days- I definitely need a belt to make them work. The 14 Luckys aren't as loose as the others, but at the end of the day I can slip them off without unbuttoning (although I always attributed that to my distinct lack of hips and ass, lol). This morning before I jumped in the shower I decided to try the 12s on to see how far I had left to go, and what do you know they fit! Snug, but certainly acceptable to wear in public- in fact, I was so excited I decided to wear them to work today. :)

Overall it was a very pleasant surprise. I had thought the work pants my mom bought for me a month ago were looking/feeling a little baggy, but I dismissed it as imagination since they fit perfect only a few weeks ago.

It's been a while

Classes started back and the last few weeks have been a little nuts. The good news is that I'm feeling much better. I attended some yoga, started coloring (yeah, like I'm 5, but the grown up coloring books they have are awesome, and you get meditative benefits), and overall just gave myself the time for the mood to pass. Am I a positive ray of sunshine? No, lol, but I never have been.

I'm sitting at 197 as of this morning. Tied with my lowest weight from a couple of weeks ago, and truthfully I haven't kept this weight as constantly as I normally do when I hit a lower weight. I've probably averaged closer to 199. Some of that has been cheats, sodium, and not tracking calories as vigilantly. I've been working out again (at least more than I was). I feel like I have my food fairly well under control. Now I really want to work on successful workout goals. This has always been hard for me, and I'm trying some new strategies to make exercise a habit.

High sodium days can make my weight swing between 2-5 pounds. My next small weight goal is to get down to under 195 so that even when I'm carrying around a little extra water I'm still under 200. I haven't tried anything new with food lately, and I've been ok with that. Now that school is starting back my lunches are consistently 1-200 calories fruit/veggie snack packs and I'm drinking at least a bottle of water every hour or two (one during each class). These are the habits that got me started and I'm happy to have them back.

Onderland and Thoughts

Clean eating and copious amounts of water dropped 6 pounds of water weight in two days, so I'm back to the one hundreds as of this morning. I've had some serious body image issues lately. Some of it was certainly due to rising back up over 200, but some have been stewing for a while. I feel fatter than ever. I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference between old and new anymore. It was just weeks ago that I didn't recognize myself in a store mirror and now I don't want to recognize myself.

The scale says that I only have 44 pounds to go, but I look in a mirror and still see myself as 100+ pounds overweight. This is troubling for a number of reasons. First, it's difficult to celebrate what I've lost if I don't see it gone. Secondly, I struggle more with motivation when I feel like it's a lost cause. Finally, I had a eating disorder in high school. I know that body dysmorphia is a real thing for me, and that other people look at me and comment on the weight I've lost, but I don't see the changes like I once did. I don't see a skinnier me when I look at my progress pic. I see the same person. Equal weight, equally fat. I have a hard time accepting people's compliments lately as sincere. Part of me just thinks they are saying nice things to make me feel better about being fat. I got on the scale at least 7 times yesterday- every time I peed, ate, or drank anything- trying to gage if I'd be back under 200 today. When I was I didn't feel relief. I felt numb, or frustrated... not proud like I should be. I'm still eating- yesterday was just under 1300 calories. I'm not making myself sick, or working out for hours, or anything like that... I'm just noticing some unhealthy thoughts.

I saw this joke a while back, and it holds a lot of scary truth for me.

I've often wished that friends could see themselves as I see them. Beautiful, amazing, strong women. I've never wished that for myself though... mostly because I've afraid of how others see me. Rationally I know that the positive way that I see my friends would be reciprocal... they would see complimentary characteristics... that's why they are my friends. But I fear that others see me as I see myself...

Onederland Was Fun While It Lasted

Same story... I got down to my lowest weight yet (197!), family came into town, we went out to eat, and yeah. I'm back over 200 with what I'm hoping is water weight. Extra clean eating today (and hopefully all week) with lots if water and maybe I'll be back to onderland in a few days. :/

I did make a phenomenal salad for dinner tonight though! It was essentially this:
http://m.allrecipes.com/recipe/213940/avocado-and-cantaloupe-salad-with-creamy-french-dressing/

With shrimp and feta added. The dressing was the real winner though- it was excellent!

Onederland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not much to say really... This is definitely the most excited I've been about any weight yet!

This is the first time my weight has started with a one in 11+ years!

55 pounds down and 45 to go!

A Failed Post From 2 Days Ago

Sitting at 201 for a while now. The big news lately is that I survived a week at home, surrounded by temptation, and didn't gain a pound!! Didn't lose one either, but hey, it's progress. I'm really trying to be good this week. I'm determined to hit onederland before August is over!

Dinner tonight was steamed edamame, pork loin, cabbage, and random veggie stir fry, with half a package of frozen fried rice from SAMS. Yum!! And a fraction of the sodium of restaurant Chinese.

Messy and TMI? Probably

I'm sitting at 201-202 and on the cusp of one-derland. I've been eating clean and staying within my -calories (between 1250-1350). No new recipes. I've been cycling through some oldies, but goodies- egg white scrambles, sweet potato hash, lots of salads.

Today's post is more of a "the more you know" deal. It's about menstruation and weight loss, so if that's gross or not applicable for you feel free to stop now. :)

Many women at weight extremes (obese and malnourished) find their menstrual cycle either irregular, or non-existent. Some forms of birth control can also have this effect. For the last 6 years I've been on a Myrena IUD (I'm a HUGE fan, but that's a different topic.) Also for the last 6 years I haven't had a significant menstruation (at worst a day or two of spotting every few months). Before that they were irregular, often heavy, and with migraines. Needless to say I haven't missed them. It turns out that my excessive weight, combined with my IUD resulted in a hormone cocktail that curbed my cycle.

Forward to April or so and I started menstruating again. And the last few months have been regular as clockwork. My first reaction was panic- I thought my Myrena alone had been reining in my cycle and feared there might be a problem. After checking with the doctor it turned out the lack of flow was more weight related than birth control related. Some additional research has also turned up studies and testimonials on the correlation between weight loss and fertility/menstrual cycles. This tends to be particularly applicable to women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). As I lost weight the hormones balanced out in such a way  that my cycle has regulated as normally as I can ever remember.

The practical take away for me has been that my cycles tend to be plateau breakers for me. I usually see a few pounds drop during or at the end of hell week. Even with cravings taken into account- because we all have days that can be best summed up with this picture:

HALFWAY THERE

Ok, actually I hit this a couple of weeks ago, but I was visiting friends out of state. I'm still at 203, and I'm really eager to hit one-derland, but holy crap I'm half way there!

Fat Fashion

When I started this journey in January I was a comfortable size 20, and a snug, but not tight 18. Currently I am a comfortable size 14 with a goal of being a size 12 in a month or so. I haven't been smaller than a size 16 in over 10 years, and I don't remember being under 200 pounds since my sophomore year of college. This means I spent all of my 20's as "Plus Sized" and my purchases alone probably sent a Lane Bryant CEO's kid to a very nice private liberal arts college. 

Last week I walked through Lane Bryant to get a belt, and out of habit looked around. It dawned on me that I currently wear the smallest size they carry. Back in March I got excited because as a 16 most department stores carried clothes for me and that I cried in a store realizing that I could buy a cute jacket in my size when I had never been able to purchase ANY clothes in that store since I moved to this town 8 years ago. I picked up a cute dress at Lane Bryant in a size 14 and looking at the hanger all I could think was how small it looked. I just couldn't imagine it fitting. When I got home and tried it on it not only fit like a glove, but I looked great! I cried. Again. 

I'm not a crier. Really, I'm not. But I've cried more in the last 6 months about my body than I have in 6 years about anything- body image, boys, you name it I've been pretty dry eyed. And it hasn't been all happy tears about the weight loss. I don't know this body. I don't recognize it. It doesn't live up to the pedestal that I've built for it over the last ten years. All that said, this new body and I are working through our issues and making it a day at a time. I mentioned yesterday that I've been having confidence doubts the last few weeks, and then this article showed up. 

I'm an avid listener of NPR, and I trust their reporting. When I worked retail 5 years ago we were told that Lane Bryant held 40% of the market for plus sized clothing, and they were killing it because no one else welcomed fat women into their stores. You could buy their clothes online, but they didn't make it easy for plus sized women to find clothes in the store. That wasn't the "vibe" a store wanted to send. Now, at least this article argues, more department stores are realizing the earning potential of welcoming larger clientele. The part that hit me, however, was this line: 

           "Even though the average American woman is around a size 14, most            department store racks are devoted to smaller bodies."

I'm average. Holy shit- I'm average!!! Granted average is all women over the age of 18 probably, and for my age group I'm probably still larger than average, but in some statistically significant way I'm an average size woman! Ha! Ok, that's all. I just needed to freak out about that for a second. 

As for actual fat fashion advice, ha ha, I'm not your gal. I've never been considered fashionable. lol. I do think it's about time retailers realized the money their store vanity has cost them. 

Sabotage and One Pound Away from 50

I've noticed an upsetting trend- I put my official monthly weigh in on the 5th of every month. I started all this on January 5th, and so I take my weight from the 5th of every month and record that on my big calendar. Without fail a day or two before my weigh in I'll eat stupid things and have anywhere from 2-4 pounds of water weight throwing off my monthly start. It's frustrating, and this month it was infuriating. I got down to 204 last week and had that as my weigh in two days in a row. Then I had family come to town and we ate high on the hog for a few days. I recorded everything, and although I had some big calorie days I never went too crazy. I figured I'd have a little water weight from some of the higher sodium meals... and by little it ended up being 4 pounds! 204 to 208 within two days. Sigh. I was one pound away from having lost 50 pounds and I sabotaged myself. Then I got down about it and didn't clean up my eating for another day or two. Within two days of cleaning up my eating I dropped the water weight and am now back at 49 pounds down at 204. On January 5, 2015 I weighed 253 pounds. I still find it hard to believe that I've lost 49 pounds in 7 months. I'm about a month behind my initial goals, but I've averaged 1.5-2 pounds a week fairly consistently. I'll hit my 50 lb mark within a few days and then I'll post my first announcement on social media (ok, ok, I post on here, but lets be honest, no one is reading this lol).

A lot of weight loss sites say that you should be very vocal with everyone in your friend and family network that you are trying to lose weight. For me that would have been a disaster. Too many opportunities for shame and disappointment which would have had me gaining rather than losing. I wanted to wait until I had "achieved" something before I posted anything to Facebook. I didn't even tell my family until a month in. Now that I'm so close I'm starting to chicken out on posting anything at all. Part of me is ashamed that even after losing 50 pounds I'm still VERY overweight/obese/fat. Although I have plans to lose another 50 a big part of me feels like if I post a "Hey look what I did!" post everyone will just look at the picture and either 1) think that I still look a fat whale and don't see a difference, 2) congratulate themselves for never reaching fat whale status and I don't know... the judging- I really fear the judging. Then why post at all you ask- why not just keep doing what you are doing and don't say anything? Because I want to celebrate this. I've lost a sack of horse feed from my body and I'm proud of that. I want to tell my friends and family about my success just as I would if I had won an award or had a great day. I know that the people that love me will be genuinely excited for me, and that the haters are gonna hate, but it stresses me out that people will not be supportive.

I've been having a lot of confidence issues lately. I guess this is just part of it.

A Few More Pounds Bite The Dust

206 has been my new norm the last few days. I guess the return to cleaner eating made the difference. I've also been going to water aerobics regularly. The ladies are fantastic, and it's a good, fun workout! I've had more opportunities to socialize with friends and that usually means beer, which means too many calories for that day. I find myself saving calories on going out days so that I end up drinking on an almost empty stomach, which is no good. A friend has set a three drink a week limit for herself- it sounds like a better plan than what I've been doing. Today I've been feeling a little cruddy- a summer cold I guess. I made a small pot of homemade chicken soup that was fantastic! No picture- sorry.

I'm closer to one-derland than ever, and for some reason it really feels far away. I've also been having a lot of anxiety about future me. I know its silly to get upset about a future that hasn't happened, but I'm just worried that I'll fall off the wagon and 1) never see my goal, and 2) get back to my old weight/size. Oh well... one day at a time right? My new goal is to be under 200 by my vacation at the end of July, and I'd like to be a comfortable size 12 by August when I go shopping with my mom. Not quite as ambitious as when I started, but it's more realistic considering my last couple of months.

45lbs Down!!

My birthday has come and gone, and I'm about 10 pounds behind my initial goals. I can't decide if 10 pounds off of a 6 month goal is good or bad. I've averaged more than a  pound a week, and I'm proud of that. I'm comfortably in a size 14, and excited about how I look. I still have fat days, but for the first time in years I have skinny days too.

The last month has been hard as far as clean eating goes. I've had more sugar and carbs than I had been eating.  I'm sure that has a lot to do with my slow down in weight loss. I'm still seeing downward trends, though, and that helps. 

Today's recipe is for Zucchini Boats-
Easy and nutritious!

Halve and scoop innards of zucchini.  Add filling (mine was shredded chicken,  diced tomatoes,  black beans, celery, bell pepper,  salsa, and cumin). Topped with enough cheese to hold it together.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Still Plugging Along

Well 30 came and went, and I neither got under 210, or hit one-derland, but I'm close, and making progress. I'm sitting at a low 210, and I'm feeling good. After getting away from the clean eating for a while I've made a concerted effort to do better the last week or so and I've certainly felt a difference. Even partaking in a little birthday cake and ice cream didn't keep me from losing a pound over the birthday weekend. So yeah- goals are a little behind, but 42 pounds in 6 months is still an achievement to be proud of. My newest goal is to be down at least one more pant size by August (which would put me at a 12) for back to school shopping with my mother.

Here's to more time in the pool, more veggies, and more clean eating!

The Most Important Meal of the Day

I'm almost recovered weight wise from the sunburn. I'm back where I was at the 211/212 range, with some water retention still around. I'm hoping when it's all said and done by the end of the week I'll be under 210.

I've been skipping breakfast lately. No real reason, I just got out of the habit of getting up and cooking/making something for a while. I can definitely see a difference in my daily overall calories when I skip breakfast. I tend to really push to the high side of my daily calorie allotment when I skip breakfast. I also teach from noon until 4 pm Monday through Friday this month. This means I'm really eating more of a brunch around 10 or 11 am with a quick snack around 2 in between classes. That leaves me a little hungrier at dinner than I have been and I tend to eat more later in the day. Just the opposite of what I should be doing. I found a recipe for Egg Muffins on Facebook today and decided to make some. They were good, easy, and should freeze/reheat quickly and easily. Recipe and pics below.

I do have a new exercise goal. The gym continued to fall apart on me. I am still going to Yoga mostly twice a week, but my body weight exercises and treadmill time was really hit and miss... mostly miss. I also don't think I was doing enough cardio, and running was so painful last time I'm been hesitant to start that again. A friend mentioned swimming. I've always loved the water, and it's been plenty hot to get in the water so I went to the local aquatics center this morning. VERY reasonable prices, and it's a heated pool so it's available year around. Lap lane times were done well before I got there, so my only option to get in the water was to join a water aerobics class. I joined 5 of my new best friends over 60 for an hour of deep water aerobics. I forfeited my noodle when I could in order to get more exercise by treading water. One hour of water aerobics later I think I have a new favorite.

Egg Muffins ~ 100 calories a muffin

Spray down a muffin tin or two with your non-stick spray of choice.
In a bowl mix 9 eggs for 12 muffins, add a couple of Tablespoons of milk or water.
In each muffin tin put about 2 Tablespoons of filling. I did 6 with black beans and salsa, and 6 with spinach, feta, and cherry tomatoes. Pour egg on top to fill it, and bake at 350 degrees until the egg is set. Mine was done in about 20 minutes.

The More You Know

So yesterday I got to do this:

I LOVE the water, and I've been wanting to go swimming for over a month now. I also got sun-burned. I'm semi-fair skinned and it was my first time really out in the sun in a while. My food and exercise has been pretty good and I really expected to be at or just below the 210 marker today. Imagine my surprise when I GAINED 3 lbs!! 

After some quick research I confirmed what I feared- sunburn = increased water retention from fluid build up under the burn. Damn. Oh well, lots of water drinking and clean eating this week to try and flush it out. So there ya go- sunburn equals water retention, and a backslide of the scale (albeit temporarily). The more you know- Go Joe!

How do you socialize on a diet?

I'm genuinely asking because I haven't figured it out. I'd like to go to dinner at least one a week with friends. I have yet to figure out how to do that and not burn a day's worth of calories with any meal that's not a chicken salad. If this is a lifestyle change and not a "diet" then I need to be able to have a meal a week that's not going to derail my weightloss. I haven't even tried to date doing this yet?! A drink and a half way decent dinner that isn't a plain salad is pretty much my whole day's calories. I guess I'm supposed to balance those overages with working out.... so to go out for dinner and a beer I need to walk/yoga/work out 1-2 hours in order to not go over my day's calories. That seems excessive.

Ugh.

In other news I'm doing pretty good. I've stalled at 211 for a bit, but considering a week ago I was stalled at 213, and before that 215, I've come to expect it. I've got exactly 1 week until I turn 30 and I'd like to be under 210. It's not where I wanted to be, but I'm damn close.

Meal of the week: Mediterranean Inspired Awesomeness!
Raw baby carrots, baba ganoush (store bought, and my FAVE), naan, and I made kababs with onion, bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, chicken breast, and lean steak. Lightly seasoned with lemon pepper. The baba ganoush and naan added some pretty significant calories, but overall a pretty healthy and definitely delicious meal that was a welcomed something different.

Reality and My Inner Dialogue

The scale has read 211 most of the week. 42 pounds down since January. Only this week has it really sunk in how much weight 42 pounds is. I've been so focused on hitting the 50, or really 54 pound mark to put me under 200 I haven't appreciated what I've lost so far. This week I wore an outfit to run errands in and I felt good. As in I felt like I looked good. I'm sure everyone else just saw a moderately sized walrus, but I really felt "thin-ish/thinner" for the first time and it was Awesome! A small and rarely optimistic side of me is curious what reality thin will feel like. You know, when I really will be at a healthy/normal/not obese weight.

My measurements were pretty slow this month. Little was lost in inches, but more importantly nothing was gained. Even though the measuring tape wasn't showing much change, my clothes have been. The size 16 pants feel pretty loose, even baggy, after I have them on a while- particularly in the butt. Have I mentioned that I have the flatest ass you've ever seen on a woman? lol The size 14 that I bought a while back actually fits and is comfortable enough to wear in public. I go through spurts of watching eBay for good deals, and last week I bought a large lot of size 14/L clothes. Almost all the pants fit (All size 14.). Some of the shirts fit- and those that didn't went on, they just didn't look good or they felt a little tight. I have pretty big boobs, so shirts are a stretch anyway. I've always worn a size larger on top than on bottom. For what I paid I have roughly $2-3 in each item, so I put what didn't fit in a box, and I'll check it again in 5-10 pounds. The original plan was to go shopping with my mom for my birthday to celebrate the weight-loss and get new work clothes which are generally a little outside of Goodwill shopping quality. I ended up buying the eBay lot (mostly work type clothes) instead because I don't feel like I've lost enough to "earn" a big spree with my mom. She was gracious enough to let me put a rain check on it. I'll have some time in early August to go home, and I'll try then. Hopefully 2.5 more months will put me at a size that I feel like I "deserve" a reward.

I also started noticing loose skin around my belly button for the first time in the last week or so. I'm sure it's been there a while, but for whatever reason I rubbed my hand across my stomach and I saw what a HUGE difference pulling the skin tight made. I had been reading and trying to prepare myself for an inevitable belly sag or apron- it didn't help. As if I needed another reason to be self-conscious.
It certainly doesn't have me excited to get undressed in front of anyone anytime soon...

It's summer, and that means summer reading. A few years ago I read Bossypants by Tina Fey. I can't recommend the book enough. Strong, funny women are always on my short list of heroes (permanently topped by Lucille Ball), and Fey did not disappoint with an inspiring memoir. Irregardless of your political aisle she and Amy Poehler were magic in their SNL skits, and the flattering notes about Poehler in Fey's book, made me anxious for her own memoir, Yes Please. I picked it up yesterday and started it today (I read When Books Went to War in the meantime- EXCELLENT history of the Armed Services Edition books printed and distributed in WWII.) Poehler talks about women having a little demon voice that lives with them that steadily feeds us self-esteem killing lines about our faults. The chapter has really resonated with me this evening. I've lost 42 pounds. I should be ecstatic- shouting from rooftops. Sure, some shame that I had 100 pounds to lose in the first time is understandable, but lately I've been weird about even telling people I am on a diet. In an age where strong women are told to love ourselves what happens when we don't? What happens when we want a change? When we are unhappy with who we are? I read manifestos from women who at my age have an epiphany to love themselves for who they are, and to wear plus size bikinis and to be fabulous. To embrace being childless, and single, and fat, and whatever other thing we were told we shouldn't be.

I can totally get behind childless. (I'm not hating on motherhood- without I wouldn't be here- but it's not my goal.) Last week I got on a very passionate soapbox with a 50 something year old man who told me that I don't want kids now, but that will change. Oh really old man stranger who doesn't know me? You magically know in your paternalistic, patriarchal knowledge everything about my ovaries, goals, issues, hang-ups, family life, sexuality, and home-life to "know" that I will eventually want kids. Fuck you.

Single- eh. Some days I want to be with someone. Some days I really see the long-term potential of a good dog and an even better vibrator. Would I enjoy sharing life and adventure with another person? Absolutely! Would I be disappointed if that other person was a collection of close friends and not a romantic partner. I don't know- but I'm leaning toward no.

That leaves me with fat. Literally- I've still got 58+ extra pounds of it hanging around. Until this year I was the person that just coughed up my weight to not my strength. I was smart, funny, and mostly a good person with a fierce streak of loyalty- who cared if I was fat? Apparently the answer to that is a lot of people, and most importantly in January the answer to that was me. Call it giving in to societal pressures to be "perfect", or a quarter life crisis, or trying to develop a sense of control when I have none, but I'm not happy with my body. (Frankly, I'm not sure I ever have been.) Where is that manifesto? The one that declares that it's ok to be dissatisfied? The one that inspires me to change?  I don't have an answer to this yet, so I'm going to wrap up.

I've been cooking I swear, but most of the dishes are repeats, or there is no real recipe to them. For example, tonight I took all the leftovers and unused fresh vegetables in my fridge and made a stir fry that I served over sauteed Napa Cabbage instead of rice. SUPER healthy, and yummy. I've ended up adopting the hoisin, ketchup, and sriracha sauce as my general stir fry to go with great results.
      First cook any fresh veggies- I had onion, bell pepper, minced garlic, and zucchini. Once almost cooked I added all the leftovers that were already cooked but needed to be heated- a chicken quarter, mushrooms, asparagus, more onion and bellpepper, etc, and then I added the sauce. Simmered a few minutes until everything was heated through and served on top of Napa Cabbage that I had wilted in some olive oil. No picture- sorry. lol. If I plate the leftovers well tomorrow I'll take a picture then.

Medical Check-Ups

I'm not one for doctors, however, turning 30 has had me thinking a little more about my health. One part of that was my goal of losing 100 pounds this year. Another was to be more proactive in my healthcare. This week I had my yearly physical for the first time since I lived at home in high school. I had a full blood-screen done, and even added an extra thyroid and Vitamin D test (at the recommendation of my chiropractor). Everything came back great- nothing was high, or really even close to high. (Take that back, my white blood cell count was a little high, and my Vitamin D was low, but those are unrelated to general health and wellness per obesity factors.) Diabetes and high cholesterol runs rampant in my family and both looked great. I don't have a pre-diet screen to compare to, but I think my doctor was surprised everything looked as good as it did considering I'm still obese. I should mention here that I really like my PCP, he was also very complimentary about my weight-loss since he saw me for an upper respiratory thing in January, and he has been very open to my thoughts and opinions. (For example, he readily added the extra thyroid and Vitamin D test when I mentioned them.) Today I weighed in at 211 pounds... that's 42 pounds since January, and I've gotten a lot of compliments and positive comments from folks the last few days that have been very uplifting. Am I still frustrated that I'm not at my initial "goals"? Yes. Absolutely. But I'm still really proud of myself. I'll get there, and 6 months ago I wouldn't have had the confidence in myself to be sure that I would get there ever. So yeah. Progress.

I also started seeing a chiropractor a couple of weeks ago for my left hip. Remember when I tried running? That didn't end well, and I've had hip issues on my left side since. Mostly a lot of stiffness when I get up and down. Yoga has helped some, but it was still more than just a little annoying. I felt crippled more than not. The chiropractor has made huge inroads in a short amount of time. She quickly found what was off and tight, and I've seen considerable progress in my soundness.

I'll start a Vitamin D supplement this week per the PCP, and maybe that will help boost some sluggishness I've been feeling lately. I still feel loads better than I used to, but the last week or so I've been slower than usual. Overall I've done better at the gym this month than last month, but the last week or so I've not been very good. I enjoy going, but I'm having a hard time once I'm home leaving to go. I guess that goal (gym 3x a week) will get rolled over to next month. I do have yoga tonight, so I know I'll get there today at least.

No recipe today. I've had some good food, but nothing worth noting. Actually, I've had some great meals, but I've been forgetting to take a picture. lol. I'll work on that.

It's been a while...

Sorry I was MIA last week. I can't even say I've been busy as an excuse. I officially hit 213 this week which puts me at 40 lbs down! For the first time I really feel like I'm having to work for every pound at this point. I know that I shouldn't really be "fighting" for the weightloss until I'm much closer to my final goals, but I feel like it's just so slow right now. I've been extra good the last week or two trying to undo the damage from the beginning of the month. It's working, just not as fast as I'd like. I've been proud of myself though. Working from home teaching online I was concerned I would be eating and snacking all the time. It's been the opposite. I've been doing well and not snacking throughout the day.

I made a giant pot of beef and vegetable soup yesterday with cornbread. It was delicious, and some of my favorite comfort foods. It's also pretty low calorie, and good for me. WIN WIN. Sorry I didn't get a picture... I thought about it halfway through eating it. lol.

I'll be super happy if I can hit a 2 lb weight loss this week. That will put me almost at the 210 mark, and I'd like to at least be in the 20_ something by my birthday. I know that I really didn't do that much damage to the overall trend in early May, but I'm really pissed at myself. I feel like if I hadn't have splurged so much I would actually be at 200 or one-derland. I know that's probably not the case, but I'm still frustrated with myself.

I had a doctor's appointment last Friday, and I'm going to get my first round of blood work to establish a base on Wednesday. The doctor commented, and asked if I was purposefully losing weight, and that I was doing great. He seemed genuinely surprised and congratulatory. It was oddly satisfying. lol.

Rest Days Can Pay Off

I've been honest with y'all (and myself) that I haven't stuck to my diet like I should have, and so I haven't been losing like I could have been the last few weeks. Last week was marginally better as I've been balancing the beer/water/calories better on days that I go out. I did see a drop to 214 this morning though which puts me at 39 pounds down. It's funny that I saw such a drop considering yesterday was the laziest day I've had in MONTHS. It's been raining for two weeks now which puts a damper on riding and outside activities. My weekend plans got cancelled. So I gave myself a day to lay around and binge Netflix. (Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D. was pretty good btw.) I drank lots of water and didn't snack much. It was a delightful day!

I'm way behind my initial goals- I think that a bit of a funk over my upcoming birthday and not being under 200 had a lot to do with that- but I'm at the very least maintaining, and feeling good. Last week I went to the gym 4 times- Sun, Tues, Wed (Yoga), and Sat (Yoga). It was a good week, and one that I hope I can repeat now that I'm not teaching as many classes over the summer. I like the yoga class... it's certainly a challenge, and it focuses on balance and flexibility, two things I've been concerned about.

I haven't eaten anything interesting lately, so no recipe. lol

I hope to really shape up and focus these next few weeks until my birthday. I gave my mother a family portrait session for Mother's Day and I'd like to look my best for them. We haven't taken a  picture as a family in YEARS- like since I was in high school. Both of my parents had weight loss surgery, and I won't lie... I don't like being the fattest person in my family. I'd like to at least fit in with them in the pictures.

This plateau is mine...

Well, I'm sitting steady at 216, and I'm not at all surprised.  My sodium intake has been high, and I went out with a friend for a few beers yesterday.  I can't really call this weight stagnation a plateau. I haven't been as vigilant as I should be. Happily I'm not gaining though. 

I did try a yoga class on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to going again in the morning.  The gym has a class on Wednesdays and Saturdays that's free for members.  I need the flexibility and balance work.

Not much to report.  I have been going to the gym more,  but my water intake is a little low. It all comes back to a balance struggle. I did have a few coworkers that I haven't seen in a while this week, and both asked if I had been losing weight and said I looked great. That was really nice to hear. :)

Not really a recipe today- it's just a snack tray I put together for breakfast the other day when I was in a hurry.

The Struggle to Balance

I've always struggled with balance... not necessarily the kind that keeps me upright, though that has never been great, but usually I have problems with mental and social balance. One reason I've struggled in long term relationships was balancing time at work, time with an SO, time to myself, time for hobbies- you get the idea. Trying to lose weight has further highlighted some balance issues that I have. It's still hard for me to have an indulgent meal (particularly breakfast) and not throw the whole day away. If I have a kolache or donut for breakfast, then I'm more likely to eat crap for lunch and dinner. I want to go out with friends, and food/alcohol has always been a key part of that, but it's hard for me to stick to one beer over the course of an evening, or not snacking while drinking, or eating a salad while everyone else has enchiladas. A day or two away from the gym can turn into a week in the blink of an eye. All the things that moderation and consistency depend on I really grapple with. Some things I'm trying:

Last week I started scheduling my gym times on my calendar just as I would with any other meeting, class, or important function. It has helped prevent me from pushing work outs to later or "tomorrow". I also plan my social engagements around my gym times. 

If I look up a restaurant menu ahead of time, and really make a detailed game plan on what I'm going to eat BEFORE my friends and I show up, I have been better about not going overboard when I go out. 

I put my dinner/drink calories into my Loseit.com app before I get there. That way I have a list of what I can have. I'm never hungry when I get to the end of my list, though without it, I walk away over-stuffed and over my calories.

I'm bad at balance, so I'm trying to eliminate any balancing on my part- particularly balancing on the fly. If I let my rational brain think through and provide the "correct" choices, then my irrational brain won't end up choosing the double bacon cheeseburger with fries instead of the grilled chicken sandwich and fruit cup. 

Today's meal: 

Sweet Italian Chicken with brown rice pilaf, and green beans. The chicken was... ok. Not my favorite, certainly not bad. The rice pilaf was the real winner here. I had some cherry tomatoes, onion, and green bell pepper that really needed to be used, and tossed them in with a little brown rice and voila! I think Alton Brown (my favorite celebrity chef) recommends roasting veggies before making pilaf, but I found it flavorful as is. 

Some runners up: 

You'll notice the brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes as left overs from last week's stuffed salmon meal. I took a chicken breast and stuffed it with fresh mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, feta, and frozen spinach. Very yummy with an extra dose of veggies. 

This was a fun one. Shrimp and broccoli scampi with spaghetti squash. Frozen shrimp and frozen broccoli thawed and cooked in an olive oil, butter, garlic scampi sauce tossed with baked and shredded spaghetti squash. YUM!

Back on Track (almost)

Well a week of bad choices balanced with better ones has put me back on track.  This morning I weighed in at 216. I did not drastically cut calories to "make up" for overages. I consistently ate 1200-1300 calories everyday if not more. It puts me within a pound of my lowest weigh in so far (215 last Friday). I'm starting May a week behind,  but I've learned a lot this week.

I strayed off the path and found my way back. I didn't let frustration and disappointment take hold. Alcohol isn't worth the calorie intake.  I need to make better dining out plans and stick with them. I was also pleasantly surprised at my anxiety (or lack thereof) over the scale. Although I was frustrated at my own will power the number on the scale didn't upset me as much as a I expected. 

I went to the gym yesterday,  and will also go today. My left hip is still giving me trouble. I'm not sure what to do about it.  Hopefully walking and stretching can strengthen it.

My recipe today is a copycat. I am obsessed with Starbucks Very Berry Hibiscus refresher. Only 35 calories per serving,  caffinated, and delicious.  At 4 bucks for a grande it gets a little pricey. HEB has a no calorie diet green tea sweetened with honey that makes a good base substitute.  Brew a pot of hibiscus tea and mix with the HEB tea. Toss in a selection of fresh berries and leave in the fridge to fuse. I made my first batch with jasmine rather than hibiscus.  It's OK.  The hibiscus is better. 

Refreshing,  light, sweet, and low calorie.  I'm calling it a win.

Should there be regrets in long-term weight loss?

Motivation is hard.

Motivation is REALLY hard when I'm stressed and looking for distraction.

I have excellent will power... it's will not power that is seriously lacking in my life right now.

Sigh...

Ok, here's the thing, I BLEW my calorie count with beer and snacking this past Saturday. Oh well, shit happens. I'm supposed to get right back on the wagon the next day and pretend it never happened. That 16 pounds to One-derland turned back to 20? Oh well, it'll be fine, just get back to healthier choices. Sunday and Monday I did well. Then Cinco de Mayo came around with co-workers wanting to go get Mexican food. I did ok with the better choices thing. No margarita, chicken fajitas, no tortilla, no sour cream, etc. Then I did not as ok- too many chips with salsa, refried beans and I ate the rice. I felt TERRIBLE afterwards. Like a brick was sitting in my stomach. I really wish I could learn my lesson before I put things in my mouth. Plus, all I could think about was the harm I was doing, which upset me, which led to more eating.

Tonight, a friend is celebrating finishing her last class in her degree plan that she's been working really hard on, and I want to go celebrate with her. Mexican again, a different restaurant. New strategy- no chips and salsa. I just can't stop if I start. Maybe try a salad with no dressing or cheese this time. Then I can eat everything on my plate and not feel guilty about it (I'm looking at you rice and beans.). With the end of the semester comes a lot of stress and weird hours... this is a serious test of the habits I've been developing the last few months. Hopefully I'll pass this test a little better than my students have.

Recipes for the day (you get two because I need to remind myself of the good choices I've made this week)...

First up, breakfast this morning. An egg white, spinach, mushroom, feta, and cherry tomato scramble with grapes. This was AMAZING, and it really didn't take that long to make. I'm glad I went with the egg whites over the whole egg, lots of veggies, and some grapes that really needed to be eaten today.
4 egg whites + 1 whole egg - beat and set to the side
handful of chopped, frozen spinach
handful of fresh sliced mushrooms
5 cherry tomatoes cut in half
1 TB feta cheese
salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste (I actually have this as a premix by my stove.)

Saute spinach and mushrooms until cooked, add tomatoes and feta and stir a minute. Pour beaten eggs over and scramble.

Next was dinner on Monday night. It felt fancy, healthy, and delicious!

Mixed greens salad with Newman's light ginger dressing.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts- here's the thing, there is a notorious story in my family about me avoiding brussels sprouts. I have never cooked them before and I decided to give it a go (after all, I love cabbage). Tossed in olive oil, sprinkled with my salt, pepper, garlic powder mix mentioned above, and roasted at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. They were great, and a new staple in my kitchen.

Roasted Sweet Potato slices- same as the brussels sprouts. I actually cooked them on the same pan.

Quinoa, corn, pepper, and black bean stuffed salmon fillet from HEB. I made one of these before, and this one didn't disappoint either. It's a great, quick meat dish that has been a fun treat.

One Step Forward, and Two Steps Back

So I haven't said much about working out lately, well, because I haven't been to the gym lately. I have been riding again. (I quit for a long time because I felt too heavy and out of balance to ride.) Saturday I had a riding lesson with a local-ish trainer, and I chose to ride hunt seat to challenge myself and focus on my core and balance. I rode two hours, one of which was spent in a posting trot. Then I showed western classes on Sunday (1st or 2nd in all my riding classes!). I'm a little sore, but not too bad. I'm looking forward to getting in more saddle time in upcoming months.

Saturday I was also got a late invite to dinner and drinks with friends. I was really excited to get to hang out with everyone, but I should have been more responsible with my calories. A few Angry Orchard apple ciders, mindless chip and guacamole snacking, and a sausage wrap put me WAY, WAY, WAY over my calorie allotment for the day. The result was two pounds of water weight overnight with another pound tacked on this morning. sigh

I know that it's not two/three pounds of fat, and I've gone immediately back to clean eating and portion control, but it's still disappointing after such an exciting Friday. Thus, I REALLY need to be going to the gym this week to do a little cardio. Even though I'm sore, I know that if I go to the gym and walk on the treadmill a while I'll feel better and hurt less. The motivation is seriously lacking though. Today's weigh in 220- 5 lbs more than this past Friday, but its almost all water weight, so hopefully I'll be able to drop it as quick as I picked it up.

Today's recipe comes from a Friday night experiment. CFPQ (Cross Fit Paleo Queen) came over to try to make zucchini ravioli. From that fail we rebooted and made zucchini lasagna with ground turkey instead of beef. I didn't look up a recipe, but rather, just made my favorite lasagna recipe with chicken subbed and zucchini subbed. The result was DELICIOUS, albeit a little runny/liquid heavy. After looking up a few recipes online after it was done I saw that most people lightly salt the raw zucchini to draw out some of the water and pat dry with paper towels. Lesson learned, and it was a really tasty "failure" if I do say so myself. :)

On Goals, Failure, and Winning

My big goal this year is 100 pounds down by Christmas, and that seems very doable.  That's less than 10 lbs a month, and I'm well on my way. Because such a big goal can at times be daunting,  I broke it up.

My next goal was to be under 200 lbs by my 30th birthday in mid-June.  More ambitious than the original since that's 54 lbs from January by June. Today's weigh in put me at 215.4 lbs. That's 2 lbs down from yesterday (!), and it puts me at 10 lbs down for the month of April.  In March I only lost 8 lbs (which is still a good, healthy amount) but it throws me off my June goal chase by 2 lbs. Essentially,  I want to lose 16 lbs in 6 weeks.

The crux of the issue is that the numbers don't add up so to speak.  At 2 lbs a week, which is a fairly ambitious number,  I'm going to be short by about 4 pounds, at least. Needless to say that realization has hurt. Like crying myself to sleep hurt. I don't want to risk my current success (cause I am winning the war against the fat) by crash/fad dieting just to hit my birthday.

It could be easy for me to throw my hands up and give in realizing I'm going to fail at reaching my goal. Hell, I've failed at quite a few goals in this journey.  I failed at hitting 10 pounds down in March, I failed getting to the gym 3 times a week in April,  and I'm on track to fail my under 200 pounds by my birthday.  Failing is part of anything worth doing.

I'm also winning.  I've lost 38 pounds when I, and others,  told me it was a lost battle before I got started. I've averaged 2 lbs a week weight loss for 4 months! And, although I'm not on track to get under 200 lbs for my birthday,  I am on track to hit 50 pounds lost by my birthday,  and that's a pretty sweet victory too.

And if I fail at that? Well, I readjust my goals as necessary.  This is my new life long marathon,  not a sprint. For example,  I failed my 3 times a week goal in April, so it got rolled to May. I think I'll celebrate by hitting the gym this afternoon.

PS- my first before/after, cause why not?  :)

Things are Crazy! Crazy Good!

While recapping my last week with a friend she commented that things were going really well for me, and you know, as much as my often pessimistic heart is pained to acknowledge it, things are going really well for me.

I'm down to 217- that makes 36 pounds down since January 5, and still staying really close to my 10 pounds a month average. In the last week I've dropped 5 or 6 pounds and that makes me really excited. I think I discussed earlier that I up'd my calorie intake and voila, I started dropping pounds. Perhaps I should have trusted the LoseIt.com app sooner. I had adjusted my suggested 1400+ calorie count down to around 1300 and stalled. I should note that when I started LoseIt is suggested I eat over 1500 calories, and as I lost weight it has dropped with me. Honestly, it PAINED me to eat more. Everything in my head screamed that I would start gaining if I ate more calories. Calories in versus calories burned, and I thought I wasn't burning enough or that I was consuming too many (That's what got me in this mess after-all right?).

Only 18 pounds to one-derland. For the first time since I started this I really feel like I can do it. I've already lost twice of what I have to go to meet my first BIG goal. Yes, I want to lose 100 pounds this year, but that first 50 (technically 54) is a huge milestone. I'm a little concerned I won't hit it by the middle of June (my birthday), but I can live with that. Will I be disappointed? Absolutely. But I'll be close.

I also had a large jump in my clothes. In January I had size 18 and 20 jeans that fit me well and that I wore. Most of my dress pants were size 18 and pretty snug. I stopped by Goodwill this weekend to do a little browsing. I have a hard time justifying my budget on clothes that I'm hopefully not going to fit into in a month or two, so Goodwill has been a good option for cheap clothes that fit. I took a leap and bought size 16 jeans (2 pair), and a pair of size 14 jeans to shrink into. I think I really bought the 14 to see how far I had to go... sorta like a "soon to be" pair of skinny jeans. I found a pair of Talbots dress slacks in a size 16 as well. (In the past I've found Talbots to run small, but these fit well)  I also picked up a cute top and a pair of XL Nike wind-suit pants. They all fit!! The 14 was snug, don't get me wrong, but I could button, zip, and breathe in them. I won't be wearing them out in public for a while, but I now know how close I am. When I graduated college 9 years ago I was a size 16/18, ok, I was an 18, but I was still wearing my 16 pants in denial. Being a 14/16 hasn't happened in a really long time and I'm stoked!

Today's recipe comes from eating out of the cupboard. One big difference that I've seen in my food consumption is weekly rather than monthly trips to the grocery store. This past week I haven't gone yet (It's been a CRAZY week!). Thus, I'm left to eat out of my cupboard and freezer, which is scary if you are staying away from processed foods and carbs. My family often cans fresh vegetables every year or two from local farms or family land. I had a jar of green beans so I grabbed them. The beans are a three bean medley (kidney, red, and black) that I found on sale at HEB a while back. The chicken is the BEST DAMN CHICKEN RECIPE EVER!!! I cannot stress how much I love this recipe and it's low calorie too! I obviously skip the rice, and I usually bump up the sriracha- I like it with a kick.

Overall this dinner was yummy, filling, and not too bad on the calories. I had plenty of veggies earlier in the day and I really needed a punch of protein. This certainly did the trick!

What's in a name? That which we call a "cheat" is...

The good: I'm down 34 lbs to 219! 20 pounds to Onederland is really exciting!! It feels like it could actually happen, whereas when I started it seemed too far away. I have less to go (to my halfway point) than I'm come from and that's awesome!

The bad: I totally ate a 1200+ calorie dinner last night and ended up going at least 450 calories over my daily limit. Long story short a friend was in a rough spot so I went and picked up Freebirds and took it to the hospital and picnic'd with her in the lobby. I got comfort food for both of us (brownie, cookie, queso, etc...).

The IDK: I haven't been very hungry this week, so I was under by close to 1000 calories for the week so far, so I don't think I did any damage mentally or physically. I say mentally because I had a few sips of soda and half a brownie. I haven't sworn off much in this lifestyle, but Dr. Pepper was a serious crutch in my life that I haven't had. Last night I had a few sips of Diet Dr. Pepper, and honestly it didn't taste great. I'm sure that helps.

Because I freaked out when I got home (guilt, upset tummy, OMG-what have I done, I just started losing weight again) I got online and did some reading. Now, I am either rationalizing the action I just did, or I found data that suggests that it may not be such a bad thing to "splurge" a meal every week or two. I've never been a fan of "cheat" days, meals, snacks etc. BUT there are a LOT of folks that swear by calorie/carb cycling. That having the occasional boost of calories or carbs can increase metabolism. I'm not sure. It sort of makes sense, but most pseudo-science does.

Today's effects were a weigh in at 220 (the 219 was yesterday, pre splurge), but I was expecting worse considering all the sodium I ingested. I've been sucking down water all day like a crazy person today and had a banana (potassium source) to try and push any sodium induced water log out. I also have a nice, big, healthy salad on the docket for dinner tonight. Ta ta for now.

Breaking Through the Plateau

Well, today the scale FINALLY budged. A while back I bought an EatSmart scale because my $20 Walmart special was in consistent.  The new scale is VERY consistent, but weighs me slightly heavier. Lol. Careful what you wish for right?  The new scale put me at 222.6 and the old one at 221.6. The important thing is that the scale moved!

I have been eating closer to 1400 calories... rarely more, some days less. Still working out 3ish days a week. 

The picture below is dinner from Saturday night.  Baked spaghetti squash covered in a kitchen sink spaghetti sauce. Roasted vegetables (leftovers actually- roasted yellow squash,  zucchini,  carrots,  onions, and cherry tomatoes), leftover Ragu in the freezer, and baked chicken thighs- hence kitchen sink spaghetti.  It was delicious and helped to clean out the fridge!

Holding Steady

It's been a few days... my apologies. I wish that I had more to report, but my stats haven't changed much. Still at 223, my measurements have dropped a quarter and half inch here and there, but nothing major anywhere. I tried my first body weight exercises at home last night in lieu of the gym. Whew- my leg muscles definitely know something was different. I had really been avoiding the body weight exercises because I was afraid they would be too difficult and discouraging. They were exactly what I need, and I'm hoping to switch from weight machines to a body weight routine. I've been eating a few more calories this week (closer to 1400-1450) and I've seen no weight gain, and no significant loss. I was at the low side of 223 the last few days though so maybe I did need to eat more.

The plateau has frustrated me, I'd be lying if I said it didn't, but it's also been heartening that I'm not gaining. That 30 lbs down and I can keep it off a month. I'm still worried about my birthday goal, but I'm also proud that I've been able to achieve what I have so far. At 223 I'm the lightest I've been in a long while, and my clothes are fitting better. All the cardio has definitely given me more go and I'm less winded in my day to day than I was. I also started curbing my fruit slightly. It was pointed out to me that I was eating what could be an excessive amount of sugar through all the fruit. So more veggies, some fruit, some lean protein, and as few carbs as possible. I also contacted a dietitian yesterday about a possible consultation, but I haven't heard back. She specializes in weight management so I'm hoping she can provide me some answers.

My recipe today is a breakfast recipe I've been rocking this week. It's a sweet potato hash with onions topped with a couple of eggs, baked until the eggs are done. In order to have a quicker breakfast I cooked the hash (diced sweet potatoes and onions with a splash of olive oil and salt/pepper) on Sunday. In the morning I spoon out some to an oven safe plate, make an indention in the hash and crack a medium egg into each indention. Put in the oven at 350 and it's usually done in 15-20 minutes. I usually prefer a little run in my yolk, but I haven't been able to time that. They've come out as hard yolks, but not overcooked and really yummy! Paired with grapes, or a strawberry greek yogurt and I have a nutritious, filling breakfast that easily sticks with me until lunch!

First BBQ of the Season

As I've mentioned before, it is very important that I be able to enjoy food with friends. Food is more than fuel for me... it's a social glue. I try to have friends over for dinner every few weeks. Nothing fancy, just food, drinks, and laughs. I haven't really done much hosting since I started this journey. I wasn't sure what was healthy that I would want to serve to friends that weren't dieting or purposefully eating healthy. Last night I was hoping to grill out, but the weather didn't accommodate so I ended up baking everything with mixed success. It's a good think my friends know what a good cook I normally am, because last night was less than spectacular. The chicken was fine, but I tried to cook these potatoes (both sweet and regular):

It should be noted that it did not go well. ha ha

They took 2 hours at 350 degrees- I had budgeted an hour. Oh well, lessons learned. So when it came time to eat I had chicken, salad, asparagus, and roasted cabbage. I had a tray of vegetables in the oven, along with the still baking potatoes. Not the worst case scenario, but not ideal. Everyone had a great time, and we just ended up grazing on the food through the evening as it came out of the oven while we sat around and talked. Overall, it was really nice seeing everyone, and the food was great even if it wasn't all ready at the same time. :) 

As for the weight-loss part of this journey there has been little change. I still sit at 223. I've fluctuated between 223-225 for the last week or more. I still eat 1300-1350 calories a day. I'm working out 3 days a week. I'm eating healthy foods- LOTS of fruits and vegetables with lean protein. I'm still really confused on the whole "am I eating too many or too few calories". My hip has really been sore since I started the Couch to 5k program. I'm going to cut back and maybe try the elliptical next week instead of the treadmill. Something different without as much impact. I'm proud of the 30lbs I've lost, but I'm getting concerned that I won't be under 200 for my birthday in June. I realize that sounds silly, and I've still got about 8 weeks to go, but 24lbs in 8 weeks is a tall order- especially if this plateau doesn't break. 

Frustrated, but Determined

Howdy,

I'd like to take a moment to express absolute frustration by the conflicting information online about calories, exercise, dieting, etc. Using a variety of formulas and online calculators I'm supposed to be eating anywhere from 1200 (Livestrong) to 1400 (LoseIt) to 1700 (Some other- I forget) calories daily to average 2 lb a week loss. When I started counting calories I took the middle road between LoseIt and Livestrong and have been eating around 1300 calories a day. Usually between 1300-1350 plus exercising 2-3 days a week (30 min cardio and ~ 20 min of weights). I've only dropped about 5 lbs since I started adding exercise. Through some online research on a variety of "credible" sites (Livestrong, .gov sites, mayo clinic, etc.) I've found the following answers and suggestions:

• I'm eating too many calories- this could be for a variety of reasons. 
• I'm not logging my calories accurately
• I find this doubtful. I log EVERYTHING and when I log a food that I don't have a perfect count on I guess high after looking up the suggested calorie amount. 
• I've chosen the wrong equation for calculating BMR
• I'm eating my workout calories. 
• Again doubtful- I rarely meat more on workout days.
• I'm not eating enough calories, thus sending my body into a "starvation mode" that may or may not exist. 
• The inflammation in my muscles from working out is causing a gain of up to 5-10 lbs of water weight. 
• Supposedly after about a month of consistent workouts this is supposed to adjust and decrease. 
• I'm not working out enough to impact anything. 
• I'm not incorporating "cheat" days where I eat 500-700 calories over my limit in order to shock my system and prevent a starvation mode. 

UGH- and folks wonder why people get discouraged and just throw their hands up in exasperation. OK, that being said I'm feeling great (other than a little soreness after running days), and I really do love my new diet. I'm even looking forward to gym days. I'm not going to be giving up anytime soon... I just needed to vent. Perhaps Monday I'll look into seeing a nutritionist at a local hospital for more personalized help. 

I started taking a picture of notable (for taste, health, and variety) meals I've cooked lately. This was a great one. Oven roasted cabbage (Recipe Here) which has become a BIG favorite for me. Cooked mushrooms and onions in a splash of olive oil. Mixed baby greens with Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing (Product Link) another favorite- a little goes a long way. And finally a bulgur, corn, and black bean stuffed salmon fillet pre made from HEB- just stick the tray in the oven and cook. It was $5, and the bar-code scanned at only 280 calories. VERY filling, tasty and nutritious dinner that came in at around 422 calories. 

To Gym, or Not to Gym, That is the Question

As I mentioned before the "diet" portion of all this is going well. I don't feel like I'm making the "choices" that I used to. No sacrifices, No hunger, No missing out on good food. And dieting alone got me (for the most part) to 30 lbs down. I didn't join the gym until mid March. It was a hard decision for me.

The Concerns:

• $40 a month + annual and sign up fees 
• no real history of going to a gym, 
• not a great track record on that whole get out and be active thing outside of horses... 
• I was really afraid it would be a waste of money. 
• Not to mention feeling out of place... I'm fat, they're thin, I'm lost, they know what they are doing, I'm going to be struggling, this is what they "do". 

Lucky for me, my friend, "Sweetest Person Ever," was also considering joining a gym. There was one next to her work, that was also on the way home for me, and we signed up for a tour.  SPE (Sweetest Person Ever) had done the gym thing before, and I felt better having "an insider" along. The gym is small, not too crowded after work, and convenient. With a mutual accountability promise we signed up. The first couple of times my workout was a brisk walk on the treadmill for 30 min. That was it. lol. But I'm in Texas, and we've had a cold (for us), wet winter that I wasn't going to get out in and the summer is wicked hot. Thus, I figured walking even just 30 min a day 2-3 times a week was a good start and better than nothing. After Week 1, SPE and I decided to add machine weights, arms and legs 3 cycles of 12 reps. It only takes about 20 minutes or so, and that bumps my total gym time to right at 50 minutes - an hour. I started listening to the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish, and that gives me a fun mental diversion that I can enjoy on and off the treadmill.

I have been bumping my speed/incline on the treadmill to increasing intensity with some interval intensity type workouts, but always at a walk. I don't run. I've never run. I just assumed that sharp-shooting would save me in the zombie apocalypse... not cardio. But, last week I decided to download the Couch to 5k app and give it a try. It came highly recommended, notably by SPE, and so I decided to start "running". It took me three days to complete the Day 1, Week 1 jog/walk combo!! Talk about depressing! The app designer's understanding of "couch" was WAY more capable than I was! On the third try I was able to finish Day 1, Week 1 in time without cheating (walking every other run time). That was this past Monday 4/6/15.

Things I Am Learning:

• There is a difference between running and walking shoes, and investing in decent running shoes was the BEST thing I could have done. 
• I got these: http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/workout/gear/running-shoes/shoetopia-the-best-sneakers-for-every-workout/?page=13
• Breathing makes a difference. 
• Running sucks. 
• Couch to Whatever Apps are Not really designed for TOTAL beginners. They assume you already have an ability to walk/jog. You should be prepared to work your way up to the Day 1, Week 1, and be prepared to repeat difficult days/weeks until you can proceed. It's not really Days, but rather than ability levels. 

The other thing I should point out is that AFTER I started working out I hit my longest plateau yet. Before my weight was a fairly steady drop... now it seems to stick, stick, stick, and then whoosh a loss of a few pounds. The whooshes are GREAT, but the sticky days are REALLY frustrating when I know I've been watching my calories, I know I'm working out, I know I'm drinking my water, and nothing. My measurements are what saved my determination. I was losing inches even if the scale was stuck. 

Whew, well you now know 3 months in 3 days, and soon I guess I'll start my more normal, and hopefully less wordy, posts. 

Time Jump w/ Recipe!

So yesterday you learned about who I am, and where I started. Today lets look at what I've done the last three months.

• The first step I took was dropping soda- specifically Dr. Pepper. I was drinking 2-4 20-oz Dr. Peppers a day, not including refills at restaurants. This didn't happen overnight. I started by weaning myself to cans that I brought to work and stocked in a mini fridge in my office instead of buying the bottles in the vending machines. This saved money and dropped my total consumption to 2-4 cans not including restaurants. Slowly I started stocking bottles of water with the Dr. Pepper and weaning myself over. Within a month I was only drinking Dr. Pepper when I went out to eat. I then substituted sweet tea over Dr. Pepper when I went out. Why not water you ask? Because I'm a weirdo and sometimes restaurant water tastes funny. I have a mental list of places that are "water approved". Nowadays when ordering a drink at a restaurant, I'm usually getting a water or an unsweetened ice tea that gets a sweet n low or splenda treatment. 
• Next was my daily diet. At first I was not calorie counting, or even keeping a food journal. For all of January I just made better choices one meal at a time. Instead of cooking potato and onion hash with bacon and a fried egg for breakfast I made oatmeal, or an egg white omelet*. Instead of getting a heavy, greasy blue plate special I stocked my mini fridge with Lunchables, grapes, string cheese, and yogurt. Dinner was a little different. I have a close friend who is a Paleo-Cross fit Queen. She was my voice of reason on nutrition and exercise questions. It must be said that she NEVER pushed me or judged me. She just gave really great advice on what worked for her, and I'll be forever grateful to her for the encouragement and help that I received. Having her over for dinner meant more protein, less carbs, lots of veggies and a friend to cook for and enjoy the food with. Not losing my communal association and use of food to be with friends was a huge help in getting me started and staying on track. 
• In February after a 10+ pound loss in my first month with making minimal changes to my daily life I decided to step it up a notch. I downloaded LoseIt and got systematic in my weigh-ins and diet. 
• First, I put a year long monthly calendar above my scale. Every morning I get up, strip, use the bathroom, and get on the scale. Whatever number I see gets written on today's date. Weigh-ins are much talked about in the online weight loss community. I chose daily because that is what works for me. I write it on the calendar so that I can see trends through the week/month. 
• I also started taking measurements on a weekly (Thursday after weigh-in) basis at the suggestion of PCFQ (Paleo-Cross Fit Queen). She knew that plateaus would come and the measurements give me hope when the scale doesn't. Measurement get written on the monthly calendar as well for trend watch. 
• LoseIt was the phone app that I went with. I found the interface intuitive, and it easy to work with. I only had the free version until last week. Everything meaningful can be accomplished with the free version. I chose to upgrade to monitor my water and nutrient trends. 
• By March weigh-ins and recording weights/measurements is normal and old hat. I was averaging 10lbs lost a month ~ 2 lbs a week. Food wasn't dominating my life like before. I eat when I'm hungry- about every 3-4 hours. I just make sure of two things- 
• I don't allow myself to get REALLY hungry. This was HUGE for me. Before this year I would not eat breakfast, work through lunch and when I got off work I'd be starving! Like, I'm shaking and will eat whatever is closest to me that I can chew minimally while swallowing huge chunks of. This meant LOTS of fast food bags/boxes in my car, and no meaningful food in my stomach. It also meant that when I got home I was only slightly less famished, so I would cook a dinner for a family of 4, eat 2 servings, and put the other two up for the next day. 
• What I do eat is good for me. (Greek) Yogurt and granola, Low-fat string cheese, grapes, individual serving veggie or fruit trays (these have replaced the lunchables lately). Steadily snacking on these low-cal options through my day keeps me energized and full so I don't feel as desperate to get food in my stomach on my way home. I also keep a water bottle in my hand at all times. Do I pee like a racehorse? Yes, lol, but that's ok. 
• Because food was coming so naturally I decided to step up my game plan in March. I added exercise. As in, I joined a gym! I think that gym stories would be an excellent post for tomorrow. In the meantime here's a recipe for the Egg White Omelette that I had much success with- 

*Egg White Omelet: 

4 Eggs (3 Egg Whites, 1 Whole)

2 T Mexican Shredded Cheese

2 T Black Beans

2 T Salsa (I put 3, because I REALLY like chunky salsa.)

Salt and Pepper to taste- I find that with a good salsa I don't need either. 

Crack your eggs, and separate whites into a bowl. Discard unused yolks. Whisk, Poor into a non-stick skillet and let set. Add salsa, beans, and cheese. Once egg has mostly set fold and enjoy! I usually eat this along with some Greek Strawberry yogurt with a little granola. It keeps me full and satisfied well into lunch! My recipe is based on this one: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/southwestern-omelet The nutritional information below is from the link, my omelet is a little lighter in calories. 

Nutritional Information

Calories 181

Caloriesfromfat 27 %

Fat 5.5 g

Satfat 2.3 g

Monofat 1 g

Polyfat 0.8 g

Protein 20.2 g

Carbohydrate 13.8 g

Fiber 6 g

Cholesterol 116 mg

Iron 2.1 mg

Sodium 822 mg

Calcium 184 mg