Onderland and Thoughts

Clean eating and copious amounts of water dropped 6 pounds of water weight in two days, so I'm back to the one hundreds as of this morning. I've had some serious body image issues lately. Some of it was certainly due to rising back up over 200, but some have been stewing for a while. I feel fatter than ever. I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference between old and new anymore. It was just weeks ago that I didn't recognize myself in a store mirror and now I don't want to recognize myself.

The scale says that I only have 44 pounds to go, but I look in a mirror and still see myself as 100+ pounds overweight. This is troubling for a number of reasons. First, it's difficult to celebrate what I've lost if I don't see it gone. Secondly, I struggle more with motivation when I feel like it's a lost cause. Finally, I had a eating disorder in high school. I know that body dysmorphia is a real thing for me, and that other people look at me and comment on the weight I've lost, but I don't see the changes like I once did. I don't see a skinnier me when I look at my progress pic. I see the same person. Equal weight, equally fat. I have a hard time accepting people's compliments lately as sincere. Part of me just thinks they are saying nice things to make me feel better about being fat. I got on the scale at least 7 times yesterday- every time I peed, ate, or drank anything- trying to gage if I'd be back under 200 today. When I was I didn't feel relief. I felt numb, or frustrated... not proud like I should be. I'm still eating- yesterday was just under 1300 calories. I'm not making myself sick, or working out for hours, or anything like that... I'm just noticing some unhealthy thoughts.

I saw this joke a while back, and it holds a lot of scary truth for me.

I've often wished that friends could see themselves as I see them. Beautiful, amazing, strong women. I've never wished that for myself though... mostly because I've afraid of how others see me. Rationally I know that the positive way that I see my friends would be reciprocal... they would see complimentary characteristics... that's why they are my friends. But I fear that others see me as I see myself...