The scale has read 211 most of the week. 42 pounds down since January. Only this week has it really sunk in how much weight 42 pounds is. I've been so focused on hitting the 50, or really 54 pound mark to put me under 200 I haven't appreciated what I've lost so far. This week I wore an outfit to run errands in and I felt good. As in I felt like I looked good. I'm sure everyone else just saw a moderately sized walrus, but I really felt "thin-ish/thinner" for the first time and it was Awesome! A small and rarely optimistic side of me is curious what reality thin will feel like. You know, when I really will be at a healthy/normal/not obese weight.
My measurements were pretty slow this month. Little was lost in inches, but more importantly nothing was gained. Even though the measuring tape wasn't showing much change, my clothes have been. The size 16 pants feel pretty loose, even baggy, after I have them on a while- particularly in the butt. Have I mentioned that I have the flatest ass you've ever seen on a woman? lol The size 14 that I bought a while back actually fits and is comfortable enough to wear in public. I go through spurts of watching eBay for good deals, and last week I bought a large lot of size 14/L clothes. Almost all the pants fit (All size 14.). Some of the shirts fit- and those that didn't went on, they just didn't look good or they felt a little tight. I have pretty big boobs, so shirts are a stretch anyway. I've always worn a size larger on top than on bottom. For what I paid I have roughly $2-3 in each item, so I put what didn't fit in a box, and I'll check it again in 5-10 pounds. The original plan was to go shopping with my mom for my birthday to celebrate the weight-loss and get new work clothes which are generally a little outside of Goodwill shopping quality. I ended up buying the eBay lot (mostly work type clothes) instead because I don't feel like I've lost enough to "earn" a big spree with my mom. She was gracious enough to let me put a rain check on it. I'll have some time in early August to go home, and I'll try then. Hopefully 2.5 more months will put me at a size that I feel like I "deserve" a reward.
I also started noticing loose skin around my belly button for the first time in the last week or so. I'm sure it's been there a while, but for whatever reason I rubbed my hand across my stomach and I saw what a HUGE difference pulling the skin tight made. I had been reading and trying to prepare myself for an inevitable belly sag or apron- it didn't help. As if I needed another reason to be self-conscious.
It certainly doesn't have me excited to get undressed in front of anyone anytime soon...
It's summer, and that means summer reading. A few years ago I read Bossypants by Tina Fey. I can't recommend the book enough. Strong, funny women are always on my short list of heroes (permanently topped by Lucille Ball), and Fey did not disappoint with an inspiring memoir. Irregardless of your political aisle she and Amy Poehler were magic in their SNL skits, and the flattering notes about Poehler in Fey's book, made me anxious for her own memoir, Yes Please. I picked it up yesterday and started it today (I read When Books Went to War in the meantime- EXCELLENT history of the Armed Services Edition books printed and distributed in WWII.) Poehler talks about women having a little demon voice that lives with them that steadily feeds us self-esteem killing lines about our faults. The chapter has really resonated with me this evening. I've lost 42 pounds. I should be ecstatic- shouting from rooftops. Sure, some shame that I had 100 pounds to lose in the first time is understandable, but lately I've been weird about even telling people I am on a diet. In an age where strong women are told to love ourselves what happens when we don't? What happens when we want a change? When we are unhappy with who we are? I read manifestos from women who at my age have an epiphany to love themselves for who they are, and to wear plus size bikinis and to be fabulous. To embrace being childless, and single, and fat, and whatever other thing we were told we shouldn't be.
I can totally get behind childless. (I'm not hating on motherhood- without I wouldn't be here- but it's not my goal.) Last week I got on a very passionate soapbox with a 50 something year old man who told me that I don't want kids now, but that will change. Oh really old man stranger who doesn't know me? You magically know in your paternalistic, patriarchal knowledge everything about my ovaries, goals, issues, hang-ups, family life, sexuality, and home-life to "know" that I will eventually want kids. Fuck you.
Single- eh. Some days I want to be with someone. Some days I really see the long-term potential of a good dog and an even better vibrator. Would I enjoy sharing life and adventure with another person? Absolutely! Would I be disappointed if that other person was a collection of close friends and not a romantic partner. I don't know- but I'm leaning toward no.
That leaves me with fat. Literally- I've still got 58+ extra pounds of it hanging around. Until this year I was the person that just coughed up my weight to not my strength. I was smart, funny, and mostly a good person with a fierce streak of loyalty- who cared if I was fat? Apparently the answer to that is a lot of people, and most importantly in January the answer to that was me. Call it giving in to societal pressures to be "perfect", or a quarter life crisis, or trying to develop a sense of control when I have none, but I'm not happy with my body. (Frankly, I'm not sure I ever have been.) Where is that manifesto? The one that declares that it's ok to be dissatisfied? The one that inspires me to change? I don't have an answer to this yet, so I'm going to wrap up.
I've been cooking I swear, but most of the dishes are repeats, or there is no real recipe to them. For example, tonight I took all the leftovers and unused fresh vegetables in my fridge and made a stir fry that I served over sauteed Napa Cabbage instead of rice. SUPER healthy, and yummy. I've ended up adopting the hoisin, ketchup, and sriracha sauce as my general stir fry to go with great results.
First cook any fresh veggies- I had onion, bell pepper, minced garlic, and zucchini. Once almost cooked I added all the leftovers that were already cooked but needed to be heated- a chicken quarter, mushrooms, asparagus, more onion and bellpepper, etc, and then I added the sauce. Simmered a few minutes until everything was heated through and served on top of Napa Cabbage that I had wilted in some olive oil. No picture- sorry. lol. If I plate the leftovers well tomorrow I'll take a picture then.
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