HALFWAY THERE

Ok, actually I hit this a couple of weeks ago, but I was visiting friends out of state. I'm still at 203, and I'm really eager to hit one-derland, but holy crap I'm half way there!

Fat Fashion

When I started this journey in January I was a comfortable size 20, and a snug, but not tight 18. Currently I am a comfortable size 14 with a goal of being a size 12 in a month or so. I haven't been smaller than a size 16 in over 10 years, and I don't remember being under 200 pounds since my sophomore year of college. This means I spent all of my 20's as "Plus Sized" and my purchases alone probably sent a Lane Bryant CEO's kid to a very nice private liberal arts college. 

Last week I walked through Lane Bryant to get a belt, and out of habit looked around. It dawned on me that I currently wear the smallest size they carry. Back in March I got excited because as a 16 most department stores carried clothes for me and that I cried in a store realizing that I could buy a cute jacket in my size when I had never been able to purchase ANY clothes in that store since I moved to this town 8 years ago. I picked up a cute dress at Lane Bryant in a size 14 and looking at the hanger all I could think was how small it looked. I just couldn't imagine it fitting. When I got home and tried it on it not only fit like a glove, but I looked great! I cried. Again. 

I'm not a crier. Really, I'm not. But I've cried more in the last 6 months about my body than I have in 6 years about anything- body image, boys, you name it I've been pretty dry eyed. And it hasn't been all happy tears about the weight loss. I don't know this body. I don't recognize it. It doesn't live up to the pedestal that I've built for it over the last ten years. All that said, this new body and I are working through our issues and making it a day at a time. I mentioned yesterday that I've been having confidence doubts the last few weeks, and then this article showed up. 

I'm an avid listener of NPR, and I trust their reporting. When I worked retail 5 years ago we were told that Lane Bryant held 40% of the market for plus sized clothing, and they were killing it because no one else welcomed fat women into their stores. You could buy their clothes online, but they didn't make it easy for plus sized women to find clothes in the store. That wasn't the "vibe" a store wanted to send. Now, at least this article argues, more department stores are realizing the earning potential of welcoming larger clientele. The part that hit me, however, was this line: 

           "Even though the average American woman is around a size 14, most            department store racks are devoted to smaller bodies."

I'm average. Holy shit- I'm average!!! Granted average is all women over the age of 18 probably, and for my age group I'm probably still larger than average, but in some statistically significant way I'm an average size woman! Ha! Ok, that's all. I just needed to freak out about that for a second. 

As for actual fat fashion advice, ha ha, I'm not your gal. I've never been considered fashionable. lol. I do think it's about time retailers realized the money their store vanity has cost them. 

Sabotage and One Pound Away from 50

I've noticed an upsetting trend- I put my official monthly weigh in on the 5th of every month. I started all this on January 5th, and so I take my weight from the 5th of every month and record that on my big calendar. Without fail a day or two before my weigh in I'll eat stupid things and have anywhere from 2-4 pounds of water weight throwing off my monthly start. It's frustrating, and this month it was infuriating. I got down to 204 last week and had that as my weigh in two days in a row. Then I had family come to town and we ate high on the hog for a few days. I recorded everything, and although I had some big calorie days I never went too crazy. I figured I'd have a little water weight from some of the higher sodium meals... and by little it ended up being 4 pounds! 204 to 208 within two days. Sigh. I was one pound away from having lost 50 pounds and I sabotaged myself. Then I got down about it and didn't clean up my eating for another day or two. Within two days of cleaning up my eating I dropped the water weight and am now back at 49 pounds down at 204. On January 5, 2015 I weighed 253 pounds. I still find it hard to believe that I've lost 49 pounds in 7 months. I'm about a month behind my initial goals, but I've averaged 1.5-2 pounds a week fairly consistently. I'll hit my 50 lb mark within a few days and then I'll post my first announcement on social media (ok, ok, I post on here, but lets be honest, no one is reading this lol).

A lot of weight loss sites say that you should be very vocal with everyone in your friend and family network that you are trying to lose weight. For me that would have been a disaster. Too many opportunities for shame and disappointment which would have had me gaining rather than losing. I wanted to wait until I had "achieved" something before I posted anything to Facebook. I didn't even tell my family until a month in. Now that I'm so close I'm starting to chicken out on posting anything at all. Part of me is ashamed that even after losing 50 pounds I'm still VERY overweight/obese/fat. Although I have plans to lose another 50 a big part of me feels like if I post a "Hey look what I did!" post everyone will just look at the picture and either 1) think that I still look a fat whale and don't see a difference, 2) congratulate themselves for never reaching fat whale status and I don't know... the judging- I really fear the judging. Then why post at all you ask- why not just keep doing what you are doing and don't say anything? Because I want to celebrate this. I've lost a sack of horse feed from my body and I'm proud of that. I want to tell my friends and family about my success just as I would if I had won an award or had a great day. I know that the people that love me will be genuinely excited for me, and that the haters are gonna hate, but it stresses me out that people will not be supportive.

I've been having a lot of confidence issues lately. I guess this is just part of it.