Reality and My Inner Dialogue

The scale has read 211 most of the week. 42 pounds down since January. Only this week has it really sunk in how much weight 42 pounds is. I've been so focused on hitting the 50, or really 54 pound mark to put me under 200 I haven't appreciated what I've lost so far. This week I wore an outfit to run errands in and I felt good. As in I felt like I looked good. I'm sure everyone else just saw a moderately sized walrus, but I really felt "thin-ish/thinner" for the first time and it was Awesome! A small and rarely optimistic side of me is curious what reality thin will feel like. You know, when I really will be at a healthy/normal/not obese weight.

My measurements were pretty slow this month. Little was lost in inches, but more importantly nothing was gained. Even though the measuring tape wasn't showing much change, my clothes have been. The size 16 pants feel pretty loose, even baggy, after I have them on a while- particularly in the butt. Have I mentioned that I have the flatest ass you've ever seen on a woman? lol The size 14 that I bought a while back actually fits and is comfortable enough to wear in public. I go through spurts of watching eBay for good deals, and last week I bought a large lot of size 14/L clothes. Almost all the pants fit (All size 14.). Some of the shirts fit- and those that didn't went on, they just didn't look good or they felt a little tight. I have pretty big boobs, so shirts are a stretch anyway. I've always worn a size larger on top than on bottom. For what I paid I have roughly $2-3 in each item, so I put what didn't fit in a box, and I'll check it again in 5-10 pounds. The original plan was to go shopping with my mom for my birthday to celebrate the weight-loss and get new work clothes which are generally a little outside of Goodwill shopping quality. I ended up buying the eBay lot (mostly work type clothes) instead because I don't feel like I've lost enough to "earn" a big spree with my mom. She was gracious enough to let me put a rain check on it. I'll have some time in early August to go home, and I'll try then. Hopefully 2.5 more months will put me at a size that I feel like I "deserve" a reward.

I also started noticing loose skin around my belly button for the first time in the last week or so. I'm sure it's been there a while, but for whatever reason I rubbed my hand across my stomach and I saw what a HUGE difference pulling the skin tight made. I had been reading and trying to prepare myself for an inevitable belly sag or apron- it didn't help. As if I needed another reason to be self-conscious.
It certainly doesn't have me excited to get undressed in front of anyone anytime soon...

It's summer, and that means summer reading. A few years ago I read Bossypants by Tina Fey. I can't recommend the book enough. Strong, funny women are always on my short list of heroes (permanently topped by Lucille Ball), and Fey did not disappoint with an inspiring memoir. Irregardless of your political aisle she and Amy Poehler were magic in their SNL skits, and the flattering notes about Poehler in Fey's book, made me anxious for her own memoir, Yes Please. I picked it up yesterday and started it today (I read When Books Went to War in the meantime- EXCELLENT history of the Armed Services Edition books printed and distributed in WWII.) Poehler talks about women having a little demon voice that lives with them that steadily feeds us self-esteem killing lines about our faults. The chapter has really resonated with me this evening. I've lost 42 pounds. I should be ecstatic- shouting from rooftops. Sure, some shame that I had 100 pounds to lose in the first time is understandable, but lately I've been weird about even telling people I am on a diet. In an age where strong women are told to love ourselves what happens when we don't? What happens when we want a change? When we are unhappy with who we are? I read manifestos from women who at my age have an epiphany to love themselves for who they are, and to wear plus size bikinis and to be fabulous. To embrace being childless, and single, and fat, and whatever other thing we were told we shouldn't be.

I can totally get behind childless. (I'm not hating on motherhood- without I wouldn't be here- but it's not my goal.) Last week I got on a very passionate soapbox with a 50 something year old man who told me that I don't want kids now, but that will change. Oh really old man stranger who doesn't know me? You magically know in your paternalistic, patriarchal knowledge everything about my ovaries, goals, issues, hang-ups, family life, sexuality, and home-life to "know" that I will eventually want kids. Fuck you.

Single- eh. Some days I want to be with someone. Some days I really see the long-term potential of a good dog and an even better vibrator. Would I enjoy sharing life and adventure with another person? Absolutely! Would I be disappointed if that other person was a collection of close friends and not a romantic partner. I don't know- but I'm leaning toward no.

That leaves me with fat. Literally- I've still got 58+ extra pounds of it hanging around. Until this year I was the person that just coughed up my weight to not my strength. I was smart, funny, and mostly a good person with a fierce streak of loyalty- who cared if I was fat? Apparently the answer to that is a lot of people, and most importantly in January the answer to that was me. Call it giving in to societal pressures to be "perfect", or a quarter life crisis, or trying to develop a sense of control when I have none, but I'm not happy with my body. (Frankly, I'm not sure I ever have been.) Where is that manifesto? The one that declares that it's ok to be dissatisfied? The one that inspires me to change?  I don't have an answer to this yet, so I'm going to wrap up.

I've been cooking I swear, but most of the dishes are repeats, or there is no real recipe to them. For example, tonight I took all the leftovers and unused fresh vegetables in my fridge and made a stir fry that I served over sauteed Napa Cabbage instead of rice. SUPER healthy, and yummy. I've ended up adopting the hoisin, ketchup, and sriracha sauce as my general stir fry to go with great results.
      First cook any fresh veggies- I had onion, bell pepper, minced garlic, and zucchini. Once almost cooked I added all the leftovers that were already cooked but needed to be heated- a chicken quarter, mushrooms, asparagus, more onion and bellpepper, etc, and then I added the sauce. Simmered a few minutes until everything was heated through and served on top of Napa Cabbage that I had wilted in some olive oil. No picture- sorry. lol. If I plate the leftovers well tomorrow I'll take a picture then.

Medical Check-Ups

I'm not one for doctors, however, turning 30 has had me thinking a little more about my health. One part of that was my goal of losing 100 pounds this year. Another was to be more proactive in my healthcare. This week I had my yearly physical for the first time since I lived at home in high school. I had a full blood-screen done, and even added an extra thyroid and Vitamin D test (at the recommendation of my chiropractor). Everything came back great- nothing was high, or really even close to high. (Take that back, my white blood cell count was a little high, and my Vitamin D was low, but those are unrelated to general health and wellness per obesity factors.) Diabetes and high cholesterol runs rampant in my family and both looked great. I don't have a pre-diet screen to compare to, but I think my doctor was surprised everything looked as good as it did considering I'm still obese. I should mention here that I really like my PCP, he was also very complimentary about my weight-loss since he saw me for an upper respiratory thing in January, and he has been very open to my thoughts and opinions. (For example, he readily added the extra thyroid and Vitamin D test when I mentioned them.) Today I weighed in at 211 pounds... that's 42 pounds since January, and I've gotten a lot of compliments and positive comments from folks the last few days that have been very uplifting. Am I still frustrated that I'm not at my initial "goals"? Yes. Absolutely. But I'm still really proud of myself. I'll get there, and 6 months ago I wouldn't have had the confidence in myself to be sure that I would get there ever. So yeah. Progress.

I also started seeing a chiropractor a couple of weeks ago for my left hip. Remember when I tried running? That didn't end well, and I've had hip issues on my left side since. Mostly a lot of stiffness when I get up and down. Yoga has helped some, but it was still more than just a little annoying. I felt crippled more than not. The chiropractor has made huge inroads in a short amount of time. She quickly found what was off and tight, and I've seen considerable progress in my soundness.

I'll start a Vitamin D supplement this week per the PCP, and maybe that will help boost some sluggishness I've been feeling lately. I still feel loads better than I used to, but the last week or so I've been slower than usual. Overall I've done better at the gym this month than last month, but the last week or so I've not been very good. I enjoy going, but I'm having a hard time once I'm home leaving to go. I guess that goal (gym 3x a week) will get rolled over to next month. I do have yoga tonight, so I know I'll get there today at least.

No recipe today. I've had some good food, but nothing worth noting. Actually, I've had some great meals, but I've been forgetting to take a picture. lol. I'll work on that.

It's been a while...

Sorry I was MIA last week. I can't even say I've been busy as an excuse. I officially hit 213 this week which puts me at 40 lbs down! For the first time I really feel like I'm having to work for every pound at this point. I know that I shouldn't really be "fighting" for the weightloss until I'm much closer to my final goals, but I feel like it's just so slow right now. I've been extra good the last week or two trying to undo the damage from the beginning of the month. It's working, just not as fast as I'd like. I've been proud of myself though. Working from home teaching online I was concerned I would be eating and snacking all the time. It's been the opposite. I've been doing well and not snacking throughout the day.

I made a giant pot of beef and vegetable soup yesterday with cornbread. It was delicious, and some of my favorite comfort foods. It's also pretty low calorie, and good for me. WIN WIN. Sorry I didn't get a picture... I thought about it halfway through eating it. lol.

I'll be super happy if I can hit a 2 lb weight loss this week. That will put me almost at the 210 mark, and I'd like to at least be in the 20_ something by my birthday. I know that I really didn't do that much damage to the overall trend in early May, but I'm really pissed at myself. I feel like if I hadn't have splurged so much I would actually be at 200 or one-derland. I know that's probably not the case, but I'm still frustrated with myself.

I had a doctor's appointment last Friday, and I'm going to get my first round of blood work to establish a base on Wednesday. The doctor commented, and asked if I was purposefully losing weight, and that I was doing great. He seemed genuinely surprised and congratulatory. It was oddly satisfying. lol.

Rest Days Can Pay Off

I've been honest with y'all (and myself) that I haven't stuck to my diet like I should have, and so I haven't been losing like I could have been the last few weeks. Last week was marginally better as I've been balancing the beer/water/calories better on days that I go out. I did see a drop to 214 this morning though which puts me at 39 pounds down. It's funny that I saw such a drop considering yesterday was the laziest day I've had in MONTHS. It's been raining for two weeks now which puts a damper on riding and outside activities. My weekend plans got cancelled. So I gave myself a day to lay around and binge Netflix. (Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D. was pretty good btw.) I drank lots of water and didn't snack much. It was a delightful day!

I'm way behind my initial goals- I think that a bit of a funk over my upcoming birthday and not being under 200 had a lot to do with that- but I'm at the very least maintaining, and feeling good. Last week I went to the gym 4 times- Sun, Tues, Wed (Yoga), and Sat (Yoga). It was a good week, and one that I hope I can repeat now that I'm not teaching as many classes over the summer. I like the yoga class... it's certainly a challenge, and it focuses on balance and flexibility, two things I've been concerned about.

I haven't eaten anything interesting lately, so no recipe. lol

I hope to really shape up and focus these next few weeks until my birthday. I gave my mother a family portrait session for Mother's Day and I'd like to look my best for them. We haven't taken a  picture as a family in YEARS- like since I was in high school. Both of my parents had weight loss surgery, and I won't lie... I don't like being the fattest person in my family. I'd like to at least fit in with them in the pictures.

This plateau is mine...

Well, I'm sitting steady at 216, and I'm not at all surprised.  My sodium intake has been high, and I went out with a friend for a few beers yesterday.  I can't really call this weight stagnation a plateau. I haven't been as vigilant as I should be. Happily I'm not gaining though. 

I did try a yoga class on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to going again in the morning.  The gym has a class on Wednesdays and Saturdays that's free for members.  I need the flexibility and balance work.

Not much to report.  I have been going to the gym more,  but my water intake is a little low. It all comes back to a balance struggle. I did have a few coworkers that I haven't seen in a while this week, and both asked if I had been losing weight and said I looked great. That was really nice to hear. :)

Not really a recipe today- it's just a snack tray I put together for breakfast the other day when I was in a hurry.

The Struggle to Balance

I've always struggled with balance... not necessarily the kind that keeps me upright, though that has never been great, but usually I have problems with mental and social balance. One reason I've struggled in long term relationships was balancing time at work, time with an SO, time to myself, time for hobbies- you get the idea. Trying to lose weight has further highlighted some balance issues that I have. It's still hard for me to have an indulgent meal (particularly breakfast) and not throw the whole day away. If I have a kolache or donut for breakfast, then I'm more likely to eat crap for lunch and dinner. I want to go out with friends, and food/alcohol has always been a key part of that, but it's hard for me to stick to one beer over the course of an evening, or not snacking while drinking, or eating a salad while everyone else has enchiladas. A day or two away from the gym can turn into a week in the blink of an eye. All the things that moderation and consistency depend on I really grapple with. Some things I'm trying:

Last week I started scheduling my gym times on my calendar just as I would with any other meeting, class, or important function. It has helped prevent me from pushing work outs to later or "tomorrow". I also plan my social engagements around my gym times. 

If I look up a restaurant menu ahead of time, and really make a detailed game plan on what I'm going to eat BEFORE my friends and I show up, I have been better about not going overboard when I go out. 

I put my dinner/drink calories into my Loseit.com app before I get there. That way I have a list of what I can have. I'm never hungry when I get to the end of my list, though without it, I walk away over-stuffed and over my calories.

I'm bad at balance, so I'm trying to eliminate any balancing on my part- particularly balancing on the fly. If I let my rational brain think through and provide the "correct" choices, then my irrational brain won't end up choosing the double bacon cheeseburger with fries instead of the grilled chicken sandwich and fruit cup. 

Today's meal: 

Sweet Italian Chicken with brown rice pilaf, and green beans. The chicken was... ok. Not my favorite, certainly not bad. The rice pilaf was the real winner here. I had some cherry tomatoes, onion, and green bell pepper that really needed to be used, and tossed them in with a little brown rice and voila! I think Alton Brown (my favorite celebrity chef) recommends roasting veggies before making pilaf, but I found it flavorful as is. 

Some runners up: 

You'll notice the brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes as left overs from last week's stuffed salmon meal. I took a chicken breast and stuffed it with fresh mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, feta, and frozen spinach. Very yummy with an extra dose of veggies. 

This was a fun one. Shrimp and broccoli scampi with spaghetti squash. Frozen shrimp and frozen broccoli thawed and cooked in an olive oil, butter, garlic scampi sauce tossed with baked and shredded spaghetti squash. YUM!

Back on Track (almost)

Well a week of bad choices balanced with better ones has put me back on track.  This morning I weighed in at 216. I did not drastically cut calories to "make up" for overages. I consistently ate 1200-1300 calories everyday if not more. It puts me within a pound of my lowest weigh in so far (215 last Friday). I'm starting May a week behind,  but I've learned a lot this week.

I strayed off the path and found my way back. I didn't let frustration and disappointment take hold. Alcohol isn't worth the calorie intake.  I need to make better dining out plans and stick with them. I was also pleasantly surprised at my anxiety (or lack thereof) over the scale. Although I was frustrated at my own will power the number on the scale didn't upset me as much as a I expected. 

I went to the gym yesterday,  and will also go today. My left hip is still giving me trouble. I'm not sure what to do about it.  Hopefully walking and stretching can strengthen it.

My recipe today is a copycat. I am obsessed with Starbucks Very Berry Hibiscus refresher. Only 35 calories per serving,  caffinated, and delicious.  At 4 bucks for a grande it gets a little pricey. HEB has a no calorie diet green tea sweetened with honey that makes a good base substitute.  Brew a pot of hibiscus tea and mix with the HEB tea. Toss in a selection of fresh berries and leave in the fridge to fuse. I made my first batch with jasmine rather than hibiscus.  It's OK.  The hibiscus is better. 

Refreshing,  light, sweet, and low calorie.  I'm calling it a win.

Should there be regrets in long-term weight loss?

Motivation is hard.

Motivation is REALLY hard when I'm stressed and looking for distraction.

I have excellent will power... it's will not power that is seriously lacking in my life right now.

Sigh...

Ok, here's the thing, I BLEW my calorie count with beer and snacking this past Saturday. Oh well, shit happens. I'm supposed to get right back on the wagon the next day and pretend it never happened. That 16 pounds to One-derland turned back to 20? Oh well, it'll be fine, just get back to healthier choices. Sunday and Monday I did well. Then Cinco de Mayo came around with co-workers wanting to go get Mexican food. I did ok with the better choices thing. No margarita, chicken fajitas, no tortilla, no sour cream, etc. Then I did not as ok- too many chips with salsa, refried beans and I ate the rice. I felt TERRIBLE afterwards. Like a brick was sitting in my stomach. I really wish I could learn my lesson before I put things in my mouth. Plus, all I could think about was the harm I was doing, which upset me, which led to more eating.

Tonight, a friend is celebrating finishing her last class in her degree plan that she's been working really hard on, and I want to go celebrate with her. Mexican again, a different restaurant. New strategy- no chips and salsa. I just can't stop if I start. Maybe try a salad with no dressing or cheese this time. Then I can eat everything on my plate and not feel guilty about it (I'm looking at you rice and beans.). With the end of the semester comes a lot of stress and weird hours... this is a serious test of the habits I've been developing the last few months. Hopefully I'll pass this test a little better than my students have.

Recipes for the day (you get two because I need to remind myself of the good choices I've made this week)...

First up, breakfast this morning. An egg white, spinach, mushroom, feta, and cherry tomato scramble with grapes. This was AMAZING, and it really didn't take that long to make. I'm glad I went with the egg whites over the whole egg, lots of veggies, and some grapes that really needed to be eaten today.
4 egg whites + 1 whole egg - beat and set to the side
handful of chopped, frozen spinach
handful of fresh sliced mushrooms
5 cherry tomatoes cut in half
1 TB feta cheese
salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste (I actually have this as a premix by my stove.)

Saute spinach and mushrooms until cooked, add tomatoes and feta and stir a minute. Pour beaten eggs over and scramble.

Next was dinner on Monday night. It felt fancy, healthy, and delicious!

Mixed greens salad with Newman's light ginger dressing.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts- here's the thing, there is a notorious story in my family about me avoiding brussels sprouts. I have never cooked them before and I decided to give it a go (after all, I love cabbage). Tossed in olive oil, sprinkled with my salt, pepper, garlic powder mix mentioned above, and roasted at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. They were great, and a new staple in my kitchen.

Roasted Sweet Potato slices- same as the brussels sprouts. I actually cooked them on the same pan.

Quinoa, corn, pepper, and black bean stuffed salmon fillet from HEB. I made one of these before, and this one didn't disappoint either. It's a great, quick meat dish that has been a fun treat.

One Step Forward, and Two Steps Back

So I haven't said much about working out lately, well, because I haven't been to the gym lately. I have been riding again. (I quit for a long time because I felt too heavy and out of balance to ride.) Saturday I had a riding lesson with a local-ish trainer, and I chose to ride hunt seat to challenge myself and focus on my core and balance. I rode two hours, one of which was spent in a posting trot. Then I showed western classes on Sunday (1st or 2nd in all my riding classes!). I'm a little sore, but not too bad. I'm looking forward to getting in more saddle time in upcoming months.

Saturday I was also got a late invite to dinner and drinks with friends. I was really excited to get to hang out with everyone, but I should have been more responsible with my calories. A few Angry Orchard apple ciders, mindless chip and guacamole snacking, and a sausage wrap put me WAY, WAY, WAY over my calorie allotment for the day. The result was two pounds of water weight overnight with another pound tacked on this morning. sigh

I know that it's not two/three pounds of fat, and I've gone immediately back to clean eating and portion control, but it's still disappointing after such an exciting Friday. Thus, I REALLY need to be going to the gym this week to do a little cardio. Even though I'm sore, I know that if I go to the gym and walk on the treadmill a while I'll feel better and hurt less. The motivation is seriously lacking though. Today's weigh in 220- 5 lbs more than this past Friday, but its almost all water weight, so hopefully I'll be able to drop it as quick as I picked it up.

Today's recipe comes from a Friday night experiment. CFPQ (Cross Fit Paleo Queen) came over to try to make zucchini ravioli. From that fail we rebooted and made zucchini lasagna with ground turkey instead of beef. I didn't look up a recipe, but rather, just made my favorite lasagna recipe with chicken subbed and zucchini subbed. The result was DELICIOUS, albeit a little runny/liquid heavy. After looking up a few recipes online after it was done I saw that most people lightly salt the raw zucchini to draw out some of the water and pat dry with paper towels. Lesson learned, and it was a really tasty "failure" if I do say so myself. :)

On Goals, Failure, and Winning

My big goal this year is 100 pounds down by Christmas, and that seems very doable.  That's less than 10 lbs a month, and I'm well on my way. Because such a big goal can at times be daunting,  I broke it up.

My next goal was to be under 200 lbs by my 30th birthday in mid-June.  More ambitious than the original since that's 54 lbs from January by June. Today's weigh in put me at 215.4 lbs. That's 2 lbs down from yesterday (!), and it puts me at 10 lbs down for the month of April.  In March I only lost 8 lbs (which is still a good, healthy amount) but it throws me off my June goal chase by 2 lbs. Essentially,  I want to lose 16 lbs in 6 weeks.

The crux of the issue is that the numbers don't add up so to speak.  At 2 lbs a week, which is a fairly ambitious number,  I'm going to be short by about 4 pounds, at least. Needless to say that realization has hurt. Like crying myself to sleep hurt. I don't want to risk my current success (cause I am winning the war against the fat) by crash/fad dieting just to hit my birthday.

It could be easy for me to throw my hands up and give in realizing I'm going to fail at reaching my goal. Hell, I've failed at quite a few goals in this journey.  I failed at hitting 10 pounds down in March, I failed getting to the gym 3 times a week in April,  and I'm on track to fail my under 200 pounds by my birthday.  Failing is part of anything worth doing.

I'm also winning.  I've lost 38 pounds when I, and others,  told me it was a lost battle before I got started. I've averaged 2 lbs a week weight loss for 4 months! And, although I'm not on track to get under 200 lbs for my birthday,  I am on track to hit 50 pounds lost by my birthday,  and that's a pretty sweet victory too.

And if I fail at that? Well, I readjust my goals as necessary.  This is my new life long marathon,  not a sprint. For example,  I failed my 3 times a week goal in April, so it got rolled to May. I think I'll celebrate by hitting the gym this afternoon.

PS- my first before/after, cause why not?  :)