Onderland and Thoughts

Clean eating and copious amounts of water dropped 6 pounds of water weight in two days, so I'm back to the one hundreds as of this morning. I've had some serious body image issues lately. Some of it was certainly due to rising back up over 200, but some have been stewing for a while. I feel fatter than ever. I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference between old and new anymore. It was just weeks ago that I didn't recognize myself in a store mirror and now I don't want to recognize myself.

The scale says that I only have 44 pounds to go, but I look in a mirror and still see myself as 100+ pounds overweight. This is troubling for a number of reasons. First, it's difficult to celebrate what I've lost if I don't see it gone. Secondly, I struggle more with motivation when I feel like it's a lost cause. Finally, I had a eating disorder in high school. I know that body dysmorphia is a real thing for me, and that other people look at me and comment on the weight I've lost, but I don't see the changes like I once did. I don't see a skinnier me when I look at my progress pic. I see the same person. Equal weight, equally fat. I have a hard time accepting people's compliments lately as sincere. Part of me just thinks they are saying nice things to make me feel better about being fat. I got on the scale at least 7 times yesterday- every time I peed, ate, or drank anything- trying to gage if I'd be back under 200 today. When I was I didn't feel relief. I felt numb, or frustrated... not proud like I should be. I'm still eating- yesterday was just under 1300 calories. I'm not making myself sick, or working out for hours, or anything like that... I'm just noticing some unhealthy thoughts.

I saw this joke a while back, and it holds a lot of scary truth for me.

I've often wished that friends could see themselves as I see them. Beautiful, amazing, strong women. I've never wished that for myself though... mostly because I've afraid of how others see me. Rationally I know that the positive way that I see my friends would be reciprocal... they would see complimentary characteristics... that's why they are my friends. But I fear that others see me as I see myself...

Onederland Was Fun While It Lasted

Same story... I got down to my lowest weight yet (197!), family came into town, we went out to eat, and yeah. I'm back over 200 with what I'm hoping is water weight. Extra clean eating today (and hopefully all week) with lots if water and maybe I'll be back to onderland in a few days. :/

I did make a phenomenal salad for dinner tonight though! It was essentially this:
http://m.allrecipes.com/recipe/213940/avocado-and-cantaloupe-salad-with-creamy-french-dressing/

With shrimp and feta added. The dressing was the real winner though- it was excellent!

Onederland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not much to say really... This is definitely the most excited I've been about any weight yet!

This is the first time my weight has started with a one in 11+ years!

55 pounds down and 45 to go!

A Failed Post From 2 Days Ago

Sitting at 201 for a while now. The big news lately is that I survived a week at home, surrounded by temptation, and didn't gain a pound!! Didn't lose one either, but hey, it's progress. I'm really trying to be good this week. I'm determined to hit onederland before August is over!

Dinner tonight was steamed edamame, pork loin, cabbage, and random veggie stir fry, with half a package of frozen fried rice from SAMS. Yum!! And a fraction of the sodium of restaurant Chinese.

Messy and TMI? Probably

I'm sitting at 201-202 and on the cusp of one-derland. I've been eating clean and staying within my -calories (between 1250-1350). No new recipes. I've been cycling through some oldies, but goodies- egg white scrambles, sweet potato hash, lots of salads.

Today's post is more of a "the more you know" deal. It's about menstruation and weight loss, so if that's gross or not applicable for you feel free to stop now. :)

Many women at weight extremes (obese and malnourished) find their menstrual cycle either irregular, or non-existent. Some forms of birth control can also have this effect. For the last 6 years I've been on a Myrena IUD (I'm a HUGE fan, but that's a different topic.) Also for the last 6 years I haven't had a significant menstruation (at worst a day or two of spotting every few months). Before that they were irregular, often heavy, and with migraines. Needless to say I haven't missed them. It turns out that my excessive weight, combined with my IUD resulted in a hormone cocktail that curbed my cycle.

Forward to April or so and I started menstruating again. And the last few months have been regular as clockwork. My first reaction was panic- I thought my Myrena alone had been reining in my cycle and feared there might be a problem. After checking with the doctor it turned out the lack of flow was more weight related than birth control related. Some additional research has also turned up studies and testimonials on the correlation between weight loss and fertility/menstrual cycles. This tends to be particularly applicable to women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). As I lost weight the hormones balanced out in such a way  that my cycle has regulated as normally as I can ever remember.

The practical take away for me has been that my cycles tend to be plateau breakers for me. I usually see a few pounds drop during or at the end of hell week. Even with cravings taken into account- because we all have days that can be best summed up with this picture: